So it's that awkward holiday time of year

B.A.D.: Also, did you wanna do anything next week?
B.A.D.: I figured I might make you cookies or something.
Panzer Pope: sounds like a plan.
B.A.D.: Jason and Adam reminded me about it.
Panzer Pope: reminded?
B.A.D.: holidays etc
Panzer Pope: easter?
B.A.D.: the otherone
B.A.D.: Where you get all kinds of candy
B.A.D.: well, eat chocolate anyway the day after when it all goes on super sale
Panzer Pope: you cant say valintines can you
Panzer Pope: also i forgot its that time of year again
B.A.D.: you got the point without me having to say it.
B.A.D.: And no, I can't really..

More txts from tonight

A: My god sitting rocks
Me: sitting is good. ::kisses::
A: I cant stay sitting though too much to do. Kisses back
Me: Can there be kissing and standing?
A: Of course
Me: yay! :standsontiptoes:
A:kiss kiss
Me: kiss!
A: holds you by the small of your back

txts from matty

Also A would probably lose his shit. And I have to live with him.

I seem to recall A crying while asking you out?

I doubt he is a fan of you sleeping with people that are not him. So he would probably be less than pleased if I helped you do that.

me: why'd he be mad at you? if it was such an issue.  regardless he said we were 'close friends' whatever that means

Because then he can be mad at me.

Yeah, if he cried about it. I don't think he'd like it. whatever he said .

Doesn't want to fuck me. Easy to be pissed at me.

Me: he said you were a pretty decent lay :P

More txt convos: backlog

This came about after a conversation of some sorts.. sadly I didn't write it down so I've forgotten

me:Now, my boots need to be polished and alphabetized. Then, leg massage and if your lucky you can work your way up from there.
A: ;Yeah after i save (forget what game he was playing)
me: I'm glad you know your place.
A: Aparantly under you

Late night texts

After two phone calls, this was about midnight.

A:Imagin im there with you. Thats what i do every night

texts

me: yeah i asked him to hold onto it for me, I was gonna buy it for you and matt (p.s. because i'm awesome and you <3 me cause i'm so nice and wicked)
master: thank you :)
[....]
Me: i think you forgot the part where you agree about how awesome I am
master: haha
Me: also you forgot please
Master; oh trust me you rock. Alot. sorry for not saying so
me: (you know I'm kiddin right?)

Panzer Pope: there it booted every one on my friends list too.
B_A_D: yeah
Panzer Pope: sorry but if you havent noticed by what i was saying i was refering to being intrested sexually as well. as i said befor i like all of you. i dont know if its comforting, but in the least theres one person out there. and i bet there are others that are just too shy to say so.
B_A_D: Then why doesn't anyone ever want me?
B_A_D: Callan wants to hold my hand.
B_A_D: Zac's ditching me.
B_A_D: you wanted alaurea na draven.
B_A_D: I've never been able to illict want or desire in someone.
B_A_D: I feel it for other people... a lot of people, even people I shouldn't.
Panzer Pope: I have always desired you. i dont express things in words well so i never realy have. and my actions dont speek well either. i have proven that i should not have multipul relations, and thats fine with me. i dont know why i choose alaurea, but in alot of ways i wish i didn't. all i know is that i desire you for you all of it. i just didnt relize how strongly till it was far too late. im sorry for hurting you soo much i just want to make you as happy as i can now.
B_A_D: but yet, it's raven who gets your blood pumping.
B_A_D: like amber gets zac hot
B_A_D: And random acrobat girls get callan
B_A_D: and eric wants raven
B_A_D: etc
Panzer Pope: hun you get it going alot more. im just too afraide to do anything.
B_A_D: dude 4 months of go time to do things.
B_A_D: you did raven.
B_A_D: 6 years before that, never realy into anything
B_A_D: except kinda a little that time with alaurea
B_A_D: and -she- involved me more than you did.
Panzer Pope: thats cause from past experiances whenever i get sexual with you i tend to freak you right out. and it bugs you for quite some time. i dont know where my boundries are, and i dont want to hurt you so i just do nothinf
B_A_D: So what about when we didn't have boundaries?
B_A_D: wide shoulders, big arms, no tits, tummy poof, hips, butt and jiggle fat thighs...
Panzer Pope: when we didn't i wasn't here and i had managed to fuck things up damn good befor i got a chance to test thouse boundries. remember the txting, i serisously wanted to do some of them
Panzer Pope: trust me you are not as bad as you think you are. no one realy wants t accept that there good enough. your thinking too much and making yourself belive that your unattractive, you are not unatractive at all. and anyone who thinks other wise is retarded
B_A_D: Well then why the hell can't i ever illicit the kind of desire people feel for raven, or you, or alaurea, or elis or anyone.
B_A_D: or amber.
B_A_D: Like seriously.... some guy who only texts me when he's kinda horny/masterbating met raven for like 10 seconds and asks about her......
Panzer Pope: if you ask me thats realy sketchy. but who am i to judge. i dont realy know how alot of people go about it. all i do is become friends with people then go from there if theres an intrest. i dont mean i do it spasificly to date/ be with someone but things esclate from there sometimes.
B_A_D: Nigel sits home alone.... all the time.... I can't get a response if i try.
B_A_D: I mean fuck, I've never even been called sexy or attractive or any of that lust shit from -you-.
B_A_D: And we have similar sex drives.
B_A_D: Callan, who's apprently in love with me, has dreams where he holds my hand -_-.
B_A_D: I walk down the street with anyone and there are people checking them out.
B_A_D: Whereas I get i.d. and people mistake me for a 12 year old.
Panzer Pope: iv never said alot of that realy to anyone. as i said i dont do words well. and holding hands is a big step for some people. everyone has diffrent ways of expressing there love be it by speech or actions.
B_A_D: I'm not talking love...
B_A_D: i'm talking desire.
B_A_D: No one wants to fuck me.
B_A_D: unless it's convient
B_A_D: or just there.
B_A_D: But there's no DESIRE.
B_A_D: everyone talks about these hot -need to have you moments-
B_A_D: i got none....
B_A_D: I might be the only girl in SJ you, andrew, drew, and koko haven't slept with.
Panzer Pope: how many people do you think iv slept with?
B_A_D: more than me ?
B_A_D: like 20 ? maybe ?
B_A_D: you are severly out slutted by andrew drew and koko
Panzer Pope: and trust me i want to sleep with you. but again im afraid of hurting you. and its not cause your are convineant or just there. i seriously want to be with you, and wake up with you. i dont know how to explaine desire i only know how to show it.
Panzer Pope: and its honnestly more like 10or 11 people
Panzer Pope: no 13
B_A_D: 13 not me people.
Panzer Pope: yeah i know.
B_A_D: I have not had a single partnership not end with me being ditched for someone else
B_A_D: someone hotter.
B_A_D: nigel ditched me for some one ONLINE.
B_A_D: I have to -try- to get people to have sex with me
B_A_D: or work them up to it, no one just wants to
Panzer Pope: I would like to ask you to give me a chance again, i want to show you that i wont ditch you for someone elce. cause as a partner i dont want anyone elce. but i know thats not going to happen. if i know your intrested and that i wont be hurting you by being there you would not have to work up anything. hell i would hope to work you up.
B_A_D: dude then why are you always going home with raven?
B_A_D: in highschool alaurea instigated most of our stuff
Panzer Pope: i dont know cause i know shes ok with it. i know shes intrested in me. i know you kinda are but again i dont want to push anything that may upset you, i dont know where i stand in that respect with you.
Panzer Pope: not when i was alone with you, i belive i started the istagating well on my own befor ever hanging out with her
Panzer Pope: i know that wassnt good for you or good memories and im sorry for that.
B_A_D: It's not that
B_A_D: It's just fucking hard to deal with
B_A_D: Like you having to get up and leave the room around alaurea or raven
B_A_D: or use all this restraint etc
Panzer Pope: trust me its not easy not to act on what i want to do when im around you. but at the same time i want to be as close to you as i can. for as long as i can. iv almost kissed you a million times. the only thing stoping me is the memories of hurting you. and making you cry cause of what i do.
Panzer Pope: my thing with them is i know they wont be harmed by it. so its quite hard to hold back.
B_A_D: So then what's the reason for there being nothing there when there would be no harm?
B_A_D: Even when I was cool and wanted it, things went no where, you went to them.
B_A_D: Showed up to nigel's door in a zip down dress, stalkings and heels after a 4 hour bus ride to see him. "hey." :walks off:
B_A_D: Try to talk sexy to callan, it's something about hand holding.
B_A_D: message zac and it's somehting about amber.
B_A_D: I can't win
Panzer Pope: give me a chance you can win. you have no idea how much i think about you. and i wont be going to anyone elce.
B_A_D: dude 3 times....
Panzer Pope: yeah i know
B_A_D: It's not your fault, I'm just not the person who gets that kind of response.
Panzer Pope: no you should be. im just the fucking idiot who decided to wonder around when what i was looking for wa always there
B_A_D: you can't fake attraction or desire
B_A_D: you can grow to love someone over time, but you can't learn to desire them.
Panzer Pope: i havent lerned to desire you. i have always desired you deeply. what iv lerned is the emotional connection, and what that means to me. the desire is still there everyday its there.
B_A_D: When have you ever expressed desire/
Panzer Pope: im preety sure it was preety evadent back in school. and via txts while we were dateing. i want to now, i want to throw you onto your bed and rip your close off and make you cum. but at this point im afaide even if i kissed you you would push me away. and it would make another gap between us. so the most iv managed to do was hold your hand.
B_A_D: but you wedge a giant gap between us with alaurea/raven
B_A_D: and alarger gape still between you and alaurea with raven.
B_A_D: you can't jut keep discounting the huge role attraction plays in this
Panzer Pope: no im not. i was attracted to them. but that dose not mean i was not attreacted to you as well
we were dateing. but ill throw something out there, some odd question in the moment. and i use that to gague you. as i said i dont know where i stant so i cant just act
Panzer Pope: god knows im overthinking it but id rather over think this than end up with noting. but truse me iv wanted to more than you now.
Panzer Pope: know
B_A_D: ?
Panzer Pope: in other words iv wanted to act on my desires with you, but i get syked out thinking ill hurt you, or that ill be pushed away.
Panzer Pope: i tell myself i shoulden't do this cause of what iv done in the past. that i dont deserve to be with you. but i still want to be there

I forgot most of today's points.

But FoodPorn and The PPK allways serve to bring smiles.
As do discussions of BDSM.
Also a woman called in and asked to place a suggestion about replacing the milk with soymilk <3
It's been a slow day and tomorow is a holiday which means I get double time in a half. :SMILES:
:D:D:D:D:D
I'm not such a fan of this blog having a white background as when I type it has a black and well all the colours look better this way.
Also Gwyn called in to work today, which was fun and unexpected. She got me on the first try too, and is picking me up from work!! <3<3<3<3!
Course I don't wanna get fired but this one time was fun.
Also last night I got to Jason before his B-day and hung out with him and Jess which rocked. Superstore has never been so fun/cool. And Silent movie acting!
:dramatic eye bat:
I bought loads of stuff >.<>
Biker Mice From MArs for PS2!!!
And Castlevania the good one!! <3
I love getting to see them again, I also had loads of real person e-mails today (allways happy times)

So thanks 2 :

• Adam O.
• Mizzy G
• Gwyn

Going to the movies tonight, first time in ages. And I really have to find a way to see adam (obviously thats what the e-mail was about) I need some way to vist him/hang out and not be akward or the other thing. Maybe i'll plan something for next week.

Also I noticed alot of stuff on this blog seems really lame/mundane/pathetic but I don't care. Getting and e-mail or a hello or whatever else isn't a big deal, but I started this blog to appreciate all the things within life and my day that make me smile or happy. And alot of those things are litte, try it yourself. You will probobly find small insignificant everyday things happen more often and make you happy, dispite how little they mean to others or how ordinary they are.

Daily bright points

I've gotta say classes with Todd are really helping me out.
Cul tech is going great, I have a vegan black forest cake recipe and my WHOLE group agree to make it instead of the animal laced version yay!
Todd was great too, I was in the yearbook room after my cul tech test and he came in to talk to kcam and I, mostly kcam about the slideshow. He was asking me how my veganising was going and said he had been searching on google last night to try and find some veganized Heavy whipping cream etc. Mostly he was looking for a way to procastinate on his work so he decided to do a few hours of searching for me. We also talked about his married crush Sarah Kramer, who's e-mail I offered to hand over. Apprently its a boyhood thing.. tattooed woman etc, you can oogle from a far and ask me for new pictures but no actual contact or stalking.

Had a good realization in French when talking to Nichole... I'm in a good mood. Seriously. Things can't go wrong, i mean they do.. but i just don't care. Graeme hasn't spoken to me, Ben hadn't either at that point and I was still riding high from my sucess with Master on the weekend. I guess he may need a new nickname as he holds no power over me and neither does anyone else ^-^.

Also something which will allways add a good note to any day. The Boob thread has been reactivated. And theres a new poster. Joy!

Day of the Dead

Today was the worst day of not Amanda Week If I do say so myself.
I have pictures I will post sometime.
Daily Smiles:

Mr. Ross yelling at me through the halls " Seeexxxyy Mommama!"
Mrs. Jensen telling me to shot Berentha first after making her remove the jacket to prevent it from getting stained with blood. (during the school shooting Mr. Ross predicted I would have tomorow due to the dress).

"huh? Sorry, I can't concentrate with Amanda Here" -Todd
"Yeah I know me either"-Kcam
This continues for a bit

" What you don't like being/being called dreamy?"-Mr. Ross
"well we can allways switch (refering to clothing) I like wearing dresses, as you've noticed over there years" -Todd
"Course.. that ones a little too little for me"- Todd

Ok... so mostly it was Todd teasing me

Claire chasing a roll of tape and then mauling it.
Her chewing on the screw driver until the kittens took it away.

In adam's car, with the adams and talking about how it looked as if the guy on the crane was going to bump into the power line. Adam S "that would so Fu-..awful."

I got a phone call from Master asking if I wanted to hang out this weekend.
I won at cards.
Both times

Welcome to 1984

Past memories of enjoyment which never got to see the light of paper:
Graeme saying in the car: That's stupid, why would we go to your house just to see jason and ignore you? It's rude, if I'm going to your house it's to see you.

When Ben said: Why Can't Tessa be more like you?

Every single mention Katelyn give me in her blog <3

The day andrew said I looked hot and was a looker.

The day Lee and Darcy said I looked nice

Mr. Ross saving me food

Lee talking about how sexy my boot where

Andrew buying me said boots

Geoff buying me the knife

Ben after I gave him the knife, saying it was the nicest thing anyones ever gotten him.

Mr. Ross being concerned when I was absent and checking up on me.

Gwyn making me soup when I was sick.

Mike being so thankfull about the flowers

Master getting angry when people made me sad.

Nigel talking to me and trying to convince me not to go to halifax.

Having Ben randomly show up when I was sick, and offering me pop dispite my diseasedness.

Adam's flirting with me.

Adam W "what?!?! not even if I asked you to prom?"