Go Vegan!

Happiness is not so much in having as sharing. We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give. -Norman MacEwan

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Panzer Pope: there it booted every one on my friends list too.
B_A_D: yeah
Panzer Pope: sorry but if you havent noticed by what i was saying i was refering to being intrested sexually as well. as i said befor i like all of you. i dont know if its comforting, but in the least theres one person out there. and i bet there are others that are just too shy to say so.
B_A_D: Then why doesn't anyone ever want me?
B_A_D: Callan wants to hold my hand.
B_A_D: Zac's ditching me.
B_A_D: you wanted alaurea na draven.
B_A_D: I've never been able to illict want or desire in someone.
B_A_D: I feel it for other people... a lot of people, even people I shouldn't.
Panzer Pope: I have always desired you. i dont express things in words well so i never realy have. and my actions dont speek well either. i have proven that i should not have multipul relations, and thats fine with me. i dont know why i choose alaurea, but in alot of ways i wish i didn't. all i know is that i desire you for you all of it. i just didnt relize how strongly till it was far too late. im sorry for hurting you soo much i just want to make you as happy as i can now.
B_A_D: but yet, it's raven who gets your blood pumping.
B_A_D: like amber gets zac hot
B_A_D: And random acrobat girls get callan
B_A_D: and eric wants raven
B_A_D: etc
Panzer Pope: hun you get it going alot more. im just too afraide to do anything.
B_A_D: dude 4 months of go time to do things.
B_A_D: you did raven.
B_A_D: 6 years before that, never realy into anything
B_A_D: except kinda a little that time with alaurea
B_A_D: and -she- involved me more than you did.
Panzer Pope: thats cause from past experiances whenever i get sexual with you i tend to freak you right out. and it bugs you for quite some time. i dont know where my boundries are, and i dont want to hurt you so i just do nothinf
B_A_D: So what about when we didn't have boundaries?
B_A_D: wide shoulders, big arms, no tits, tummy poof, hips, butt and jiggle fat thighs...
Panzer Pope: when we didn't i wasn't here and i had managed to fuck things up damn good befor i got a chance to test thouse boundries. remember the txting, i serisously wanted to do some of them
Panzer Pope: trust me you are not as bad as you think you are. no one realy wants t accept that there good enough. your thinking too much and making yourself belive that your unattractive, you are not unatractive at all. and anyone who thinks other wise is retarded
B_A_D: Well then why the hell can't i ever illicit the kind of desire people feel for raven, or you, or alaurea, or elis or anyone.
B_A_D: or amber.
B_A_D: Like seriously.... some guy who only texts me when he's kinda horny/masterbating met raven for like 10 seconds and asks about her......
Panzer Pope: if you ask me thats realy sketchy. but who am i to judge. i dont realy know how alot of people go about it. all i do is become friends with people then go from there if theres an intrest. i dont mean i do it spasificly to date/ be with someone but things esclate from there sometimes.
B_A_D: Nigel sits home alone.... all the time.... I can't get a response if i try.
B_A_D: I mean fuck, I've never even been called sexy or attractive or any of that lust shit from -you-.
B_A_D: And we have similar sex drives.
B_A_D: Callan, who's apprently in love with me, has dreams where he holds my hand -_-.
B_A_D: I walk down the street with anyone and there are people checking them out.
B_A_D: Whereas I get i.d. and people mistake me for a 12 year old.
Panzer Pope: iv never said alot of that realy to anyone. as i said i dont do words well. and holding hands is a big step for some people. everyone has diffrent ways of expressing there love be it by speech or actions.
B_A_D: I'm not talking love...
B_A_D: i'm talking desire.
B_A_D: No one wants to fuck me.
B_A_D: unless it's convient
B_A_D: or just there.
B_A_D: But there's no DESIRE.
B_A_D: everyone talks about these hot -need to have you moments-
B_A_D: i got none....
B_A_D: I might be the only girl in SJ you, andrew, drew, and koko haven't slept with.
Panzer Pope: how many people do you think iv slept with?
B_A_D: more than me ?
B_A_D: like 20 ? maybe ?
B_A_D: you are severly out slutted by andrew drew and koko
Panzer Pope: and trust me i want to sleep with you. but again im afraid of hurting you. and its not cause your are convineant or just there. i seriously want to be with you, and wake up with you. i dont know how to explaine desire i only know how to show it.
Panzer Pope: and its honnestly more like 10or 11 people
Panzer Pope: no 13
B_A_D: 13 not me people.
Panzer Pope: yeah i know.
B_A_D: I have not had a single partnership not end with me being ditched for someone else
B_A_D: someone hotter.
B_A_D: nigel ditched me for some one ONLINE.
B_A_D: I have to -try- to get people to have sex with me
B_A_D: or work them up to it, no one just wants to
Panzer Pope: I would like to ask you to give me a chance again, i want to show you that i wont ditch you for someone elce. cause as a partner i dont want anyone elce. but i know thats not going to happen. if i know your intrested and that i wont be hurting you by being there you would not have to work up anything. hell i would hope to work you up.
B_A_D: dude then why are you always going home with raven?
B_A_D: in highschool alaurea instigated most of our stuff
Panzer Pope: i dont know cause i know shes ok with it. i know shes intrested in me. i know you kinda are but again i dont want to push anything that may upset you, i dont know where i stand in that respect with you.
Panzer Pope: not when i was alone with you, i belive i started the istagating well on my own befor ever hanging out with her
Panzer Pope: i know that wassnt good for you or good memories and im sorry for that.
B_A_D: It's not that
B_A_D: It's just fucking hard to deal with
B_A_D: Like you having to get up and leave the room around alaurea or raven
B_A_D: or use all this restraint etc
Panzer Pope: trust me its not easy not to act on what i want to do when im around you. but at the same time i want to be as close to you as i can. for as long as i can. iv almost kissed you a million times. the only thing stoping me is the memories of hurting you. and making you cry cause of what i do.
Panzer Pope: my thing with them is i know they wont be harmed by it. so its quite hard to hold back.
B_A_D: So then what's the reason for there being nothing there when there would be no harm?
B_A_D: Even when I was cool and wanted it, things went no where, you went to them.
B_A_D: Showed up to nigel's door in a zip down dress, stalkings and heels after a 4 hour bus ride to see him. "hey." :walks off:
B_A_D: Try to talk sexy to callan, it's something about hand holding.
B_A_D: message zac and it's somehting about amber.
B_A_D: I can't win
Panzer Pope: give me a chance you can win. you have no idea how much i think about you. and i wont be going to anyone elce.
B_A_D: dude 3 times....
Panzer Pope: yeah i know
B_A_D: It's not your fault, I'm just not the person who gets that kind of response.
Panzer Pope: no you should be. im just the fucking idiot who decided to wonder around when what i was looking for wa always there
B_A_D: you can't fake attraction or desire
B_A_D: you can grow to love someone over time, but you can't learn to desire them.
Panzer Pope: i havent lerned to desire you. i have always desired you deeply. what iv lerned is the emotional connection, and what that means to me. the desire is still there everyday its there.
B_A_D: When have you ever expressed desire/
Panzer Pope: im preety sure it was preety evadent back in school. and via txts while we were dateing. i want to now, i want to throw you onto your bed and rip your close off and make you cum. but at this point im afaide even if i kissed you you would push me away. and it would make another gap between us. so the most iv managed to do was hold your hand.
B_A_D: but you wedge a giant gap between us with alaurea/raven
B_A_D: and alarger gape still between you and alaurea with raven.
B_A_D: you can't jut keep discounting the huge role attraction plays in this
Panzer Pope: no im not. i was attracted to them. but that dose not mean i was not attreacted to you as well
we were dateing. but ill throw something out there, some odd question in the moment. and i use that to gague you. as i said i dont know where i stant so i cant just act
Panzer Pope: god knows im overthinking it but id rather over think this than end up with noting. but truse me iv wanted to more than you now.
Panzer Pope: know
B_A_D: ?
Panzer Pope: in other words iv wanted to act on my desires with you, but i get syked out thinking ill hurt you, or that ill be pushed away.
Panzer Pope: i tell myself i shoulden't do this cause of what iv done in the past. that i dont deserve to be with you. but i still want to be there

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